Thursday 24th January 2019:

I’ve been quite flat since meeting [private surgeon] on Tuesday. I’m trying my best to park it like my Mom said but today I had blurred vision and flickering in my eyes. I felt so sick from it; had a banging headache and woke up properly spinning. I felt dreadful and then paranoid. Are these the raised intracranial pressure symptoms that Kay was talking about? I was freaking out but couldn’t tell anyone as they would of course send me to hospital and for what outcome? I’m no longer ready or sure I want the surgery.

Work were amazing yesterday. They were so sad to hear my news but could not be anymore supportive. Tracey spoke to me as a friend and it was so helpful. Soph H [housemate] also made me feel miles better tonight. She was the first person I spoke to properly the day I found out before Christmas and whilst initially petrified then, she really made me feel miles better, reassuring me that they have to tell you the risks. Whilst petrified again now, she further reinforced this and made me feel so much better about it.

My Mom text to say she loves me and hopes I’m ok. I didn’t answer her call incase I wasn’t. I have to remember she’s worried and scared too and whilst I need her, I cannot purely rely on her to be there for me. I shed a few tears at work today in a moment of weakness and wondered if I’d get these moments all year now, everyday? That’s enough to in a way to make me want it out! My quality of life is affected and I’m now worried well indeed.

I know I absolutely have to see the positives in this. I have to go back to the place I was in when I was prepared and almost looking forward to the surgery. I need to accept that this is happening regardless of whether I leave it or do anything, and granted it probably is better to approach It now. I am confident in my abilities to bounce back given the best opportunities to and our health system is incredible, and full of specialists so I would be fully looked after. I have to trust that I’ll be ok either way and try to live my life as best I can without worrying – starting by getting a decent night's sleep. All will be ok. 

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